I sit here on the eve of the 1st anniversary of my Nan’s death, and the tears are finally coming.
I’ve always been a crier, and I’ve always been in tune with my emotions (sometimes too much), but since Nan passed I suddenly developed a tougher exterior, and I lost my ability to cry.
I admit, I actually did a lot of my mourning before she passed, as the cancer took hold of her and dragged her down so fast. It was shocking to see the effects on her body and her mind. It was scary watching her sitting there scared. It was hard seeing her make the decision to go nil by mouth – even though I totally supported and agreed with the decision. And then – sitting there by her bedside holding her hand, watching her as she slept. Her body wracked by spasms of pain, her mind running wild with dreams, her lungs struggling to breath, every now and then waking up and saying my name and slipping back into sleep.
By this stage she had moved home, and rested on a hospital bed looking out into the bush as the horses in the paddock next door ran back and forth, the birds sang, and the wind blew, rattling the branches of the tall gum trees outside. It was here that she passed, with my Uncle sitting next to her. I believe she uttered Grandads name as she went. I’m no spiritual person, but I like to believe that they are now reunited, and that she is driving him bonkers!
As I write this the tears are flowing, and I am happy for the release. I haven’t allowed myself much time at all to think about Nan since the funeral, and that is a real disservice, as she was the most amazing and special person.
I miss you Nan.