On the eve of the 1st anniversary

I sit here on the eve of the 1st anniversary of my Nan’s death, and the tears are finally coming.

I’ve always been a crier, and I’ve always been in tune with my emotions (sometimes too much), but since Nan passed I suddenly developed a tougher exterior, and I lost my ability to cry.

I admit, I actually did a lot of my mourning before she passed, as the cancer took hold of her and dragged her down so fast. It was shocking to see the effects on her body and her mind. It was scary watching her sitting there scared. It was hard seeing her make the decision to go nil by mouth – even though I totally supported and agreed with the decision. And then – sitting there by her bedside holding her hand, watching her as she slept. Her body wracked by spasms of pain, her mind running wild with dreams, her lungs struggling to breath, every now and then waking up and saying my name and slipping back into sleep.

By this stage she had moved home, and rested on a hospital bed looking out into the bush as the horses in the paddock next door ran back and forth, the birds sang, and the wind blew, rattling the branches of the tall gum trees outside. It was here that she passed, with my Uncle sitting next to her. I believe she uttered Grandads name as she went. I’m no spiritual person, but I like to believe that they are now reunited, and that she is driving him bonkers!

As I write this the tears are flowing, and I am happy for the release. I haven’t allowed myself much time at all to think about Nan since the funeral, and that is a real disservice, as she was the most amazing and special person.

I miss you Nan.

Love,

Your Granddaughter.

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8 thoughts on “On the eve of the 1st anniversary

  1. Janine, Thanks so very much for this post. I lost my own mother to cacer back in ’94. I never knew until it was too late that she had cancer. I was hoping that I would be able to get to see her one more time before she passed, but it happend rapidly, much more rapidly than I anticipated from the doctor’s reports. I have felt like weeping several times since, but have, as yet, not been able to mourn, though I grieve for her presence. I am glad that you have been able to finally mourn for your Nam. Perhaps as time goes on, I shall reach that point in my life for my mother. Take care and God Bless.

    • Thank you for sharing Bruce. I do admit that seeing her before she passed helped, as it did look like I wasnt going to get the chance. But I am grateful I had those hours. I am sad to heard that you didn’t. I wish you the opportunity to let it out and mourn, but I know that it can be a long process, and it will happen when your body and mind is ready – sometimes when you least expect it. I’m not sure if you will find this useful, but a blogging friend I have made has a blog on grief, living after the death of a loved one, etc http://esdeer.com. Please check it out and I hope it may be of some help to you. Janine

  2. Thanks for sharing this post. Grieving a loved one is a long journey and I am sure that, somewhere, she is watching over you. The best thing we can do for the ones we lost is to remember them and be happy. They are all part of who we are. As for my nan, she is going downhill because of Alzheimer’s. Not an easy journey!

  3. Pingback: On the eve of the 1st anniversary | thewikipress.com

  4. Janine, It couldn’t have been easy for you to write this piece but I can think of no greater tribute to your Nan than to share her last days with us – and use such incredible prose to describe what she went through. And yes, if I were writing a similar piece, my tears would also be flowing.

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