Day 1 of a new chapter in my life – it was okay. I did have an epiphany of sorts, which has left me feeling like I’m in a state of flux. I’ve realised what I want to do – or rather what I don’t want to do.
There’s something not appealing about being squished into an unnaturally cold, fluorescent environment in one spot from 8 till 5. Don’t get me wrong, at the moment I am somewhere that is a hundred times better than where I just came from, and I already feel so much more relaxed and confident in myself. It’s just that I now realise I can do so much more, I just lack guts. I’ve always been a calculated risk taker – way too calculated. Plus I’m stubbornly independent, which tends to control whatever it is I do.
I know where it comes from. It stems back to my upbringing. Immigrant, farming and mining roots. Witnessing Mum struggle – foregoing dinner to feed us kids, stranded without any transport, wearing hand-me-downs for years, having a strict father who controlled the money coming in, witnessing chronic gamblers and drug takers fritter away their and others income, supporting myself through full-time University working full-time, supporting an ex-partner who worked part-time, took drugs and didn’t drive, working hard and saving to go travelling, running out of money, getting stranded overseas and then having to work in a disturbing and violent environment. All the time hardly ever asking for help, and accepting that the only road was the hard road, and the only life was the hard life.
I now realise that life can be a whole lot easier. I also know that there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I understand that the path one takes doesn’t have to be hard, but that life will deliver highs and lows. I just need to allow myself to relax, to go with the flow, and to follow my heart – instead of listening to my head all the time.