I’ve had a lot happen to me in my life that has angered me. At one stage, I was so encompassed by my anger at everything, everyone, the world and at life itself – that I set myself on a path to self-destruction.
And then one day I woke up.
To be honest, I can’t actually remember what triggered this wake up call. I think it was partly to do with getting older. It was also thanks to my experiences in travelling the world which helped in opening my eyes.
One of the most disturbing memories I have – or should I say ‘lack’ of memory – was when my partner found me lying on the women’s toilet floor of a bar, passed out cold. I had binged on wine, and other numerous types of alcohol, and had apparently excused myself to go the loo. Lucky for me, he had decided to come looking for me when I hadn’t returned, and that’s where he found me – hugging the ‘hygienic’ toilet bowl of a women’s toilet facility of a bar in the city.
Bless him for getting me home in one piece. After vomiting in the cab, he had to clean the cab up. He luckily escaped having to pay the ‘vomit’ charge, but then had the pleasure of having to clean me up and put me to bed.
This was followed by a night and day of scenes straight out of ‘The Exorcist’, where I attempted to expel every ounce of substance from my body, and more. It was also followed by an entire week of what I call hell, aka a hangover, and some serious memory loss…This was when I realised how disgusted I was of myself and my behaviour, and questioned what I was doing to my body and why. I also realised that I was very lucky to have someone looking out for me, as I could have ended up anywhere, with anyone, and it could have ended so much worse.
It would be easy to blame someone else for my derailment. But it was all me. It was MY anger, and it was turning me into something bitter. It was ruining my life. That’s not to say that it bothered me, as I really didn’t want to live – I just didn’t want to die either. I just wanted everything to stop, like it does when you sleep.
I’ve done a lot of soul-searching since then, which suits me to a tee as I’m a Virgo and our motto is ‘I analyse’. I’m grateful to have a partner that has stuck by me through some really dark times – even though he really struggled to understand and put up with me at times. I am blessed to have beautiful friends and family who were there for me, if not physically, then in spirit. I shut most of them out for a period of time, and to find them still there, waiting, was truly special.
I have also been given a very special gift in life, being my dog Kahlua. She was given to me 9 1/2 years ago, and has been there with me through think and thin. I can’t imagine how my behaviour effected her, although when I am ill or sad these days, I see the concern in her eyes, I experience her snuggles, and I am brought to giggles when she tries to lick the tears from my cheeks.
So, where am I going with this story? What am I hoping to achieve by laying one of my lowest times out there on the internet for all to see?
It’s because I see so many people who are increasingly angry and bitter in this world. I see them becoming ‘me’ – or the ‘old me’. I really believe that it important to realise that, in life, you can either choose to let anger eat away at you from the inside out, therefore becoming bitter and twisted, or you can choose to rise above, let it go, and be the person you were always meant to be. Yes, it’s a challenge, but it’s so worth it.